Words and how we use them

I just watched The Twilight Saga: New Moon with my daughter. Butterfly has read and reread and then reread again the entire Twilight series so she was overjoyed to purchase this newly released DVD. Watching and being caught up in the story gave me a wonderful respite from thinking.

Yesterday's stresses had to be digested and made sense of before I could post anything about the happenings. It all has to do with how we say things.

The morning started off well. I got through Honolulu rush-hour traffic intact and with enough time to get Mama to the hospital without having to worry about being late for her appointment. We only got mildly lost as we made our way through the corridor maze and finally wound up in Imaging. I slept through the entire time Mama was having her ultrasound-guided needle aspiration of the thyroid tumor. The previous two blood tests both indicated thyroid cancer but the oncologist wanted to be certain. At least I think that was the reason for this test. We won't see the oncologist until April 4th so we won't know the results until then.

Mama said the test was painful but she survived in relatively good spirits. As I drove her back to her condo I brought up the subject of using alternative therapy on top of the regular stuff that's being ordered by her team of doctors. I reminded her that her radiologist thought that adding alternative therapy was certainly not going to hurt anything and might help. So I told her about cordyceps mushrooms and that it has been used in Chinese medicine for a millenia. She said that she could use Chinese medicine but that it worked differently for each individual; sometimes it didn't work at all. My reply, "Hell, Mama, you have stage 4 cancer, it certainly isn't going to hurt to try it!" She laughed and agreed to try. I NEVER would have said anything like that to my mother in the past but life seems to have changed with this C-word hanging over us. We talk to each other differently now; we're more open and maybe even a little more accepting.

Her entire attitude has changed with the knowledge that the cancers are incurable. She is now willing to try things she wasn't before. Things like lots of dark green and orange vegetables. And Chinese medicines. And certain varieties of green tea (you'd think that being Japanese she'd like drinking green tea, but no, my mother has never been a typical Japanese woman in more ways than otherwise.) And nicest change of all, my mother is becoming a pleasanter person to be around, at least pleasanter to me.

So I was thrown off kilter when one of my siblings called. I THINK she is trying to help amend our relationship which has been strained for several decades. We've tried several times to work it out but end up getting angry with each other over and over. I find it amazing that the very people we love are the ones that have the direct line to our hot buttons and manage to set us off at light speeds. I think it has to do with HOW things are said, perhaps even more than the WHAT.

I read an article this evening that summed it up for me:

"Words. We use them every time we talk and see them every time we read. No matter how much we use them, they never really run out nor do they go out of fashion. We are so used to them that sometimes, we don’t realize how important they are. Used badly, words cause anger, hurt feelings, cost jobs, lose sales and even incite rebellion. Used right, they touch emotions, boost confidence, win victories, encourage imagination, profess love and increase profit." Make More Live More Give More

Later last night, because I was still upset with this sister, I vented at another during instant message chatting as she passed along news that I didn't want to hear. I virtually shot the messenger. I did exactly what I didn't want to do - continue our family dysfunction. She, on the other hand, stayed calm and even conciliatory as I ranted. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my words. Worse, I meant everything I said. I wish I could take it back. I wish I'd had the ability to stay silent, or at least say what I felt in a non-hurtful way. I had learned when I was twelve that words, once spoken, can never be taken back. They might be forgiven but are rarely forgotten. I forgot that lesson last night.

As my worries over my mother increase so do my stress levels. I'm becoming trigger-tempered at home and find that I am saying things that I would never have said beforehand. I'm becoming someone I don't like. As Mama becomes pleasanter I'm becoming more awful. I've got to get a handle on my feelings of helplessness and I definitely need to better control my words. I really don't want to say things to hurt my family.

I feel so tired and fragile.