The very first posting

There are so many blogs out there in cyberspace these days. Why would I want to start another one? This one may never be read by anyone other than a few loyal friends and family members but that's okay. I'm writing for my sanity.

How are we supposed to deal with the diagnosis of cancer in a family member? After the initial shock and horror?

My mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She has a growing tumor in her upper left lung, another smaller mass in her upper right lung and affected lymph nodes all down her chest.

She never believed that her smoking would cause her to become ill. She certainly wouldn't quit because secondhand smoke was bad for the rest of us. She liked the taste and smell of the cigarettes and, by golly, she wasn't going to quit just because of something that MIGHT happen. However, after 50 years of one pack a day inhalation she's got the diagnosis. Now what?

I'm going to become her caretaker. One of my sisters lives an ocean and a continent away. The other sister is not in my mother's good graces. Heavens, I'm barely in Mama's good graces but I'm the oldest and in an Asian family that means I get to care for my mother.

So, ready or not, we get to deal with upcoming radiation and chemotherapy.

I've already signed the HIPAA forms for each of her doctors so I can talk with the docs about her treatment. I take her to each of the doctors appointments and listen to what they have to say about her case. I have copies of all the recent pathology reports. I've talked with my physician friends about the reports and find out what, if anything, her doctors might not be willing to tell us yet. I'm trying to understand everything I can about squamous cell carcinoma. My head feels overly full, as if I've eaten too much and need to digest before I can take in any more.

I'm afraid for this woman that I don't understand and have never had a good relationship with. I'm afraid for the ordeal that she's facing. I'm afraid for the upcoming stresses and feel guilty for worrying about it. I certainly wasn't ready to become a caretaker while still single.

Tomorrow we see the oncologist for the first time. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for but it seems like the right thing to do.